Wistful Dreams

I have cherished memories of this house, especially when it was still being built. Memories of me and my best friend sitting on the edge of the roof, swinging our legs in the air, cracking silly jokes. Memories of us looking at the lust green trees through the windowpanes, talking our hearts out. Memories of two young boys building dreams. As I walk past this abandoned house now, stuck in the monotonous mundanity of my life, all those memories and dreams come rushing back. A feeling of heaviness engulfs me and I wonder if it was me that abandoned my dreams or was it my dreams that abandoned me?

This post was written as part of Five Sentence Fiction: Abandon

Mama's Ode

Hey baby girl
Don't stare at me
Gleam in your eyes for the future you see
For your mama's heart breaks coz it ain't your fault
That by being a girl your dreams do halt!

Hey little girl
Does it smell fishy
To play with dolls, said he's not a sissy?
Yes, your mama's heart breaks that even little boys
Who play with dolls this world derides

Hey little lady
Did they touch a nerve
When they told your win you don't deserve?
Hell, your mama's heart breaks for I know you did great
It's not your looks that won your debate

Hey young lady
Did you hear again?
Scorns about weight, beauty, fashion - oh so vain
Hmm, your mama's heart breaks for I know so well
Of the absurd standards to which we are all compelled

Hey young lady
Wonder how we all this braced
And yet not feel always a bitter distaste?
We are strong, we mend our broken hearts
With hope, with little steps we do our part.

Together, Forever

He held her hand, sitting by her bed, as she found peace after a long battle for her life.
In sickness and in health
Memories of their years of devoted togetherness came flooding back.
In sorrow and in joy

Did it even matter that they were never married?

This post is a part of Five Sentence Fiction with the word prompt: Marriage

Monsoon Tales

It was raining that night too, the last time I saw her - the time I broke her heart. A chance encounter after nearly twenty years but to me it feels like the same night. It even feels like the same rain. The only difference - it is not her tears seeking refuge in the rain this time. It is mine!

Topic Courtesy: Lille McFerrin 

Picture Courtesy: Arvind Ramachander Photography 

Lucky

While her kids were choosing ice cream flavors, Reema's eyes were drawn to the smartly dressed lady in the cafe. Sitting with her associates, she was clearly in charge of the meeting and Reema looked on admiringly.

Shonali looked up from her laptop and for a fleeting second her sight shifted to two small kids eating ice cream. Though not easily distracted, she could not help feel a pang when the little one lovingly took a spoon of ice cream and fed his mom.

The same thought crossed both minds, "Isn't she lucky?"






This post is written as a part of Five Sentence Fiction: 

http://lilliemcferrin.com/five-sentence-fiction-lucky/

The Wedding Cake

She looked more beautiful than she ever did, as she walked down the aisle. Her beautiful green eyes seemed to look greener, "Is it the earrings?" I wondered. Whatever it was, her radiant smile lit a sparkle in her eyes as she stood with the man of her dreams. "Have I ever made her this happy?" I caught myself thinking. As my mind continued on its own train of thoughts, the ceremony carried on like a movie scene in front of my moist eyes. Tears of happiness and yet, selfish tears of sadness too! Everything that followed was a blur to me. The reception, the dance, the toast, the cake, and very soon I found myself outside, sending her off on her honeymoon. I walked back inside with a heavy heart, got myself a piece of the cake and sat down. That's when I noticed the green earring dangling on my suit pocket. Looking at it gave me a lump in my throat. I knew this wouldn't change anything between us, yet for me it would. I stared at my phone and wondered if my little girl will call later to say "Goodnight, Daddy!" as she has been for the last 25 years of her life.

This blog is a part of the write over the weekend initiative:
http://blog.blogadda.com/2014/03/14/wow-picture-prompts-for-writing-indian-bloggers

Watchful World

Lurking, leering, jeering eyes
At all corners you're passing by
Hidden safely in a camouflage
Lo, behold! It is not a mirage

What you say and what you do
The world is playing peak-a-boo
Tracking, saving, noting, thinking
Showing it's face, wickedly winking

What to share and what to save?
A closed book be or one that bares?
The world is watching in a way surely queer
Do exercise caution but don't live in fear!

Carpe Diem

Is this the end of a beautiful dream?
Walking on to reality realm
The order of the day, carpe diem
For, the tunnel approaching fast it seem!

The greener pastures and tall grass
Pouting flowers, doing a chasse
To the playful wind's bass
All that she leaves behind, this lass

The tiniest flowers, notices she
The beauty in them is all she can see
Daintily steps absorbing the whole scene
Locking the precious' in a box of memories

Kisses she goodbye, to the butterflies
Winks at the sun, just waking up to rise
Changes are sometimes angels in disguise
From one home to another, she happily  sighs

The One

As you walk on,
Sometimes in circles,
Sometimes head on;
Maybe with purpose,
Perhaps forlorn;
Through all the ruckus -
Not stopping night or morn
To cry, care or cuss
Just pushing it all down
Through a dark hole coerse.
But a day might dawn
When you crave to change course,
Or feel too tired to carry on -
Left behind without the force.
And on the day you are this worn,
As the tears down your cheek pours
These questions haunt, from which you cannot run -
Who is it, that understands your own code of Morse?
Who is it, you fall back on and turn?
Who is it, your strength and inspiration's source?
Who is it, for whom you yearn?
Who is it who is the one, your one and only one?

Soft Smiles Music Video

I remember it was pretty bad day. A long, tiring bad day. I was exhausted and irritated, ready to call it quits for the day and go to bed early. Then Ragav messaged me saying; "Remember the poem you had shown me long back?? I'm recording it". I thought; "Wow! That's an incredible surprise". He said that it was almost ready and he was sending it over to see if I liked what he had done. Tired as I was, I was now too excited to sleep and waited up to listen to my poem as an actual original composition. I heard it and I absolutely loved it. It reflected the mood my poem was painting so accurately!!! Dharav and Ragav, unknowingly, really made my day. How ironical, considering that it was during one such series of terribly long,overworked, tiring bad days that I had wistfully written Soft Smiles.

After that long journey since the birth of the poem, the audio recording, the subsequent video recording, and after surviving multiple rounds of ruthless editing, finally proudly presenting now, the music video for Soft Smiles :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oe2C1GA56YM

Credits:
Music: Ragav Venkatesan
Singer: Dharav Shah
Videography: Sriloy Dey and Ashwin Verleker

Poem Blog-post: http://whimsicalwonder.blogspot.com/2011/11/soft-smiles.html

Devaru Hoseda Premada Daara

Ever so often, when I am caught up with an  existential angst that seems to have taken precedence in my extended quarter life crisis(of course assuming I make it to100), I find myself listening to Devaru Hoseda Premada Daara from Muthina Haara. This masterpiece of a song takes me through a myriad of emotions every time I listen to it. It does not offer the answers I am seeking, however it offers comfort and a sense of belonging perhaps, reiterating the fact that we are all fellow passengers on this journey! Hamsalekha has done a wonderful job with the amazing lyrics whose mood changes as the season and of course with the orchestration that embellishes the emotions. Balamuralikrishna’s voice takes the song to a whole new level and overall just listening to this song feels like a new experience each time to me! This song is such an excellent example of how important both the music and the lyrics are to achieve brilliance! The lines that stand out to me are these: "beDayendare naavu suDade iruvude novu" and "bisilo, maLeyo, chiguro  himavo, aLuvo naguvo, solo geluvo, baduke payaNa, naDiye munde, olave namage neralu hinde". As the song ends with these lines, it leaves me comforted with a bit more optimism, hope and strength than before, and that is why to me this song is a masterpiece.

Colored Blue

The feeling, so void,
Bitterly helpless and devoid!


The feeling, so alone,
In this cruel world made of stone!


The feeling, so sleepy
Yet wide awake and weepy


The feeling, so tired
Of constantly trying, playing and being wired!


The feeling, so numb,
Weak and wanting to succumb


The feeling, so hurt,
Questioning everything about its worth


The feeling, so desolate
That does nothing less than devastate


These feelings, all so wrong
That help no more than make a sad song!

So, Let Go!

I had a dream. In that dream, I was standing by my bedroom window and looking out. My bedroom when I was growing up. My first home. And I woke up with this realization that the bedroom which was once mine and no longer is, is so metaphorical to everything in life. That small space was what I used to call mine, call home. That space was comfort and it bred with familiarity. That room still exists, just no longer mine. It has been redecorated, to keep up with the times. Everything in that room had changed, the last time I saw it, except for the windows. The windows where I stood in my dream, looking out. That room, when I go back, draw me to those windows. The windows are a remnant of my bedroom while growing up. The last few touches of familiarity the room still holds on to.

There are two things that I can relate this to, today. Firstly, with people. There are people that we grew to understand. People that offered comfort. And vice versa. And then, we drift apart. Going back and talking to those people after a while leaves you with a lingering sense of familiarity. The sort that I felt, standing by my bedroom window. That everything is still the same and yet, nothing is the same anymore.

Secondly, with homesickness. This feeling of homesickness is with a non-existent home in many senses, since that room is not my home anymore. And while I was feeling this in-explainable feeling, I saw this one scene from the movie Garden State definitely puts to words what I am struggling to express.

Grappled by various emotions today, I struggle to keep it all together. And then, I listen to Let Go, by Frou Frou:

And Yes,


So, let go,

Jump in

Oh well, what you waiting for?

It's alright

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown


Yes, there is beauty in breakdown! :)





PS: Thanks to Manvir, for coincidentally sending me the movie link today, which happened to make perfect sense for the state of mind I am in.

The Storm

The storm that late arrived,
Blowing on much too longer than desired!
The storm that had to but come,
Could perhaps have been a bit milder some!
This storm, from all directions wreck
Keeping the mind, its actions and thoughts at check!
The strong storm, offering no solace,
Obliterating you from the maddening race!
The storm, in the first place, I never wished to see,
Bringing some good out of all this, can it even be?
Oh callous storm, coming after an unnatural calm,
All I plead is, help rid this qualm and leave behind some kind of balm!

The Waltz of Life

Waltzing on ice
Once, twice and thrice
Gliding and spinning
We keep on winning

Dance till we drop
The music never stops
Dance till ice breaks
On these frozen lakes

The ice surely melts
And the heart surely swells
Sooner or later,
And time is the traitor

But comes winter dense
Again forming ice thence
Healed, we start spinning
Till we keep on winning!

Veena In Vienna

I am so high! So obviously high! So insanely high - or maybe this is true sanity - smiles and smiles and more smiles! I sing on in oblivion - pa da ga ma sa , sa da ri sa ni, pa da ga ma sa, ga ri ni sa! sa sa ga ri sa ni da pa da da ni sa ni, sa sa ga ri sa ni da ma ma da da ma pa! Veena In Vienna it is called. There is beauty in the name too. Reminds me of An Equal Music. A wondeful book set in Vienna. And my favourite instrument. Of course there is beauty in the name. I write in a trance! I pause now and then to hum my favourite parts. This could go on forever. This is magical. I am ecstatic. Have been. It is amazing how music has been the only thing consistently creating such magic for me. I feel it now. I may not though, the next time I am reading this post. But I feel it now, and this is my true love and I am glad :)

PS: This is the piece - :) http://soundcloud.com/madnohan/global-gear-veena-in-vienna

You can buy the album at http://www.muzigle.com/album/veena-in-vienna

Image Courtesy : Here

Neenillade Nanagenide?

That sadness is beautiful is exemplified by M N Vyasa Rao’s poetry, “ನೀನಿಲ್ಲದೆ ನನಗೇನಿದೆ”, and the “ಭಾವ” in the poetry is exemplified by Pallavi Arun’s rendition of the same. The beauty in this sadness is an enriching one, one of acceptance and hope! On quickly scouring the web, I failed to find any translation for the song, so decided to give it a try myself. There is immense beauty in these words penned together and I hope I do sufficient justice.  Attached is a Youtube link for the song and a MusicIndiaOnline link as well :- http://www.musicindiaonline.com/#/album/171-Kannada_Bhaava_Geethe/27207-Live_Concert_Vol_1/

ನೀನಿಲ್ಲದೆ ನನಗೇನಿದೆ?

neenillade nanagenide

What do I have without you?

ಮನಸೆಲ್ಲ ನಿನ್ನಲ್ಲೇ ನೆಲೆಯಾಗಿದೆ

manasella ninnalle neLeyaagide

My mind is immersed in your thoughts

ಕನಸೆಲ್ಲ ಕಣ್ಣಲ್ಲೇ ಸೆರೆಯಾಗಿದೆ

kanasella kaNNalle sereyaagide

My dreams are imprisoned in my eyes

ನಿನಗಾಗಿ ಕಾದು ಕಾದು ಪರಿತಪಿಸಿ ನೊಂದೇ ನಾನು

ninagaagi kaadu kaadu paritapisi nonde naanu

I bitterly regret after having waited long for you

ಕಹಿಯಾದ ವಿರಹದ ನೋವು ಹಗಲಿರುಳು ತಂದೆ ನೀನು

kahiyaada virahada novu hagaliruLu tande neenu

The pain of this bitter separation is what you have brought me day and night

ಎದೆಯಾಸೆ ಏನೋ ಎಂದು ನೀ ಕಾಣದಾದೆ

yedeyaase yeno yendu nee kaaNadaade

You failed to see what this heart desires

ನಿಶೆಯೊಂದೆ ನನ್ನಲ್ಲಿ ನೀ ತುಂಬಿದೆ

nisheyonde nannalli nee tumbide

Darkness is the only thing you have filled in me

ಬೆಳಕೊಂದೆ ನಿನ್ನಿಂದ ನಾ ಬಯಸಿದೆ

beLakonde ninninda naa bayaside

Light is the only thing I aspire from you

ಒಲವೆಂಬ ಕಿರಣ ಬೀರಿ ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಬಣ್ಣ ತೆರೆಸಿ

olavemba kiraNa beeri oLagiruva baNNa teresi

Casting a beam of affection, you opened up the colors hidden inside

ಒಣಗಿರುವ ಎದೆ ನೆಲದಲ್ಲಿ ಬರವಸೆಯ ಜೀವ ಹರಿಸಿ

oNagiruva yede neladalli baravaseya jeeva harisi

On the barren heart’s ground, a hopeful life you let flow

ಸೆರೆಯಿಂದ ಬಿಡಿಸಿ ನನ್ನ ಆತಂಕ ನೀಗು

sereyinda biDisi nanna aatanka neegu

Take me away from this imprisonment and lessen my anxiety

ಹೊಸ ಜೀವ ನಿನ್ನಿಂದ ನಾ ತಾಳುವೆ

hosa jeeva ninninda naa taaLuve

A new life is what I expect with(from) you

ಹೊಸ ಲೋಕ ನಿನ್ನಿಂದ ನಾ ಕಾಣುವೆ

hosa loka ninninda naa kaaNuve

A new world is what I will see because of you

Permanence

Life is anything but permanent. In spite of which, all through life, there is a sort of permanence that I have been seeking. Repeated blows have not taught me anything. There are so many things that I have always wanted to do, but refrained just because it might not continue long enough as a continous activity. I did not resume my music lessons in my Final Year Engineering because I was sure I would come to the US. Although, I came to the US only a year after my engineering, and thus wasted 2 years of musical practise. Here too, wanted to join a theater group, but was undecided because I was not sure where I would get a job, and that I would need to quit this soon after joining. Things that have to end will end no matter what and I failed to realize that what is more important is the experience, the people I meet along the way and the varied things I learn in this process. After all, nothing is supposed to last forever. In the grand scheme of things, this probably makes perfect sense, but to us mere mortals, just accepting this without questioning, seems to be the best thing to do.

When something does happen in your life, there probably was a very good reason that it did. But when something ends, there probably is a better reason to it. Probably. Or maybe this is just a way of consolation! But this consolation does help when you realize that you walk this path alone.There are people who walk with you, offering help when you fall, or sometimes maybe push you to walk ahead. There are some who walk at different paces than you do, and you might lose sight of them now, only to catch up later. And there are those who walk with you, together, at every step, but then you might reach certain crossroads, where seperation becomes necessary. On this path, you are alone, meant to be alone. So, letting go of those who walk with you is necessary for their own good as well as yours. Sometimes the point of it all seems amiss. But when you keep walking, on and on, it is my hope that the reason we took this journey for, becomes apparent! For now, we just keep walking. Afterall, life is supposed to be lived forwards and understood backwards!

Calm Before The Storm

No birds that fly
No sound in the sky
Azure and still, like never before be

No rustle of the leaves
No buzzing of the bees
But barren tranquillity

No ripples in the lake
No quacky ducks to forsake
Silence, immense, like a balm?

Peace and quiet, all around here
But a restlessness slowly builds into fear -
Is this the calm before the storm?

Kanyakumari

Sheer coincidence took my mind  back to the week I spent in the Vivekananda Kendra in Kanyakumari, and what more fitting day could I have hoped for than Swami Vivekananda's 150th birth anniversary! It was 12 years ago when they announced a competition in my school, conducted by the Vivekananda Kendra. And for this, we had to read a book and then give a test. I think it was compulsory for everyone to take up this exam, but this was least of the reasons that I read the book hundreds of times! The first time I read his words, I was awed, inspired and transformed. I enjoyed the read so much that I went back and read the book again and again. I do not remember reading any other book that many times. The Chicago address enthralled me, with passion and pride. The man, his words and his actions inspired me endlessly! Needless to say, I aced the exam and as the prize, won a week long stay in the ashram in Kanyakumari. With 3 of my best friends also in the same league, I was very excited to go on this trip, even though this meant I missed  a really important family function. For us, from a school which did not have school trips, this was the biggest gift!

The trip started off with a train journey to Kanyakumari, where we met the rest of the prize winners and all the bhaiyas from the ashram. The one week there was not just a trip, it was an experience. Getting up at 4 AM to do prayers and then some yoga, followed by recitation of the Bhagavad Gita. This  followed by breakfast(where we had to wash our own plates - something I had never done before :P) and then shramadaan - where we helped in small tasks around the ashram. Bhajan sessions every evening that I never thought I would enjoy but thoroughly did, it somewhat was a mind cleanser of sorts. Bonding games and some more yoga and then dinner. The food itself, so plain yet so tasty. Hikes, visits to the temple, museums, beaches and games alongside of insightful lectures and discourses made it a very wholesome experience. I distinctly remember being awed by Nivedita didi when she gave us a talk - she was so austere and yet there was a glow about her, I can almost swear it was an aura! To see such simple living, in such simple surroundings and live amidst all the greenery of the beautiful kendra which had deer and peacocks aimlessly roaming around was simply astounding for us city-breds. Long, strenuous, fun days followed by long nights of dance practices and  teenage talk - I am amazed that I managed the week with such less sleep! And in that week, we actually learnt a Mallu dance as well, which we performed on the last day, pathetic though I was! I can hardly remember all the names now - but I can never forget Siddu, for he was the first guy friend who was an older brother to me and took such care! I still have the friendship band he mailed me, I can never throw it away! I also remember Rajendra and Sudarshan bhaiyya - who would constantly amaze me with their amazing yoga skills and irritate me with their antics. And  of course Gangadhar bhaiyya, who was the head of the Kendra in Bangalore. Aah, Kanyakumari, that was the place where I first learnt to do a proper Suryanamaskara! A myriad of emotions and thoughts filled me through the week, for everything was such a novelty there.

It was a week in my lifetime unlike any other - a week that I probably can never relive again, because I am no longer the same person anymore, for I have grown up and my ways and beliefs and mindset have all changed course, but  the thankfulness for Kendra for giving a naive teenager that opportunity and my deep respect for Swami Vivekananda are things that I know will never change, ever!